Commentary
A Strange, But True Baseball Story??
By Bob Tufts
Jan 12, 2008

BUD SELIG (BS) NEWS SERVICES -- House Government Reform and Oversight Committee chairman Rep. Henry Waxman and minority chair Rep. Tom Davis have issued a joint statement demanding that former Washington Senators outfielder Joseph "Joe" Hardy appears as part of a hearing scheduled for February 13th to once again examining the use of performance enhancing substances in baseball.

"We promised sports fans that we would get to the bottom of the"steroid era" in baseball, and evidence provided by former Senator George Mitchell in his exhaustive report indicates that the problem did not start with Jose Canseco. It may have started with Mr. Hardy during the 1950's, far earlier than we had previously thought", said Rep. Waxman.

"What shocked me about the information laid out in the Mitchell Report was that Mr. Hardy's remarkable transformation from an unknown outfielder to a superstar happened right in the open and in Congress' backyard at old Griffith Stadium. It amazes me that no one in the Commissioner's office took action."

"I would also like to blame the Major League Baseball Player's Association for being part of this cover-up, but they were not in existence at the time the violations occurred", said Davis.

Former Senator Mitchell was ecstatic with the results of the research by his team. “I did not realize beforehand that the perpetrators would disclose their entire scheme in a readily available publication. ‘Playbill’ was a valuable resource in our investigation”, said Mitchell.

“And I am glad that investigator Jeff Novitzsky found a copy while going through garbage bins on 42nd Street in New York”. “It was easy to cut and paste my $20 million report once we discovered the ‘Playbill’ information. The New York Daily News and the San Francisco Chronicle had already done all of the heavy lifting, anyway.”

The White House response was swift. "I am shocked and saddened to learn
that players made a Faustian bargain to enhance their bodies. Their immoral actions could be emulated by young children and lead to serious national health consequences", said President George W. Bush.

Other people called to testify as part of a third panel include former Senators manager Van Buren, a mysterious "Mr.Applegate" and a woman who is only known as "Lola".

Applegate is viewed as the central figure in the investigation, according to Jeff Novitzsky. "We have not been able to locate Mr. Applegate at this time, but I am prepared to go to Hell itself to serve him a subpoena and reveal the extent of the problem", said Novitzsky.

Ms. Lola denied media descriptions of her as a gold-digger. "I am no Kimberly Bell !", said Lola. “All of the discussion of an affair between me and Joe are false. He was always loyal to his wife Meg”.

Ms. Lola would not answer any further questions posed by reporters about possible tax evasion, the appearance of acne on Joe’s back or ‘roid rage at the advice of her attorneys at Lucifer, Lucifer and Beelzebub, LLC.

The firm is well known to most Washington insiders, as it has represented most of Washington’s powerful and ambitious people in the past. Managing partner Beelezub has stated that LLB LLC is not taking on any other clients at this time, as its resources are being overburdened by its 2008 Presidential campaign activity.

“We are not soulless lawyers”, said Beelzebub. “As a matter of fact, the primaries have provided us with access to more souls than we need at the present time!”

Late today, Senator Jim Bunning went to the floor and demanded that Hardy's statistics be stricken from the record books. The entire Senate also passed a resolution that the book describing the scandal, “Damn Yankees”, written by George Abbott and Douglass Wallop, be banned from bookstores and the Broadway, as it brazenly promotes performance enhancing methods.